by Mabry Slemmons.
Fionavar is a dangerous place. People die there at an astonishing
rate. Here are a few tips to increase your chance of survival, and also
decrease the number of dreadful things that happen to you:
- Be serious, grim, and dour. Cheerful, light-hearted, witty people die. In
fact the more seriously your take things, the better your chances of
surviving or at least being resurrected.
-
Learn how to either fight or do something cool and magical. Dispensible
people always die.
-
Trust the mercy of no one except the lios alfar and Dalrei. This
especially applies to: people from Cathal, royalty, brigands, priestesses.
-
Do NOT say anything treacherous around Diar.
-
Moreover, don't say anything treacherous around Aileron. No one's tried
it, because no one is stupid enough to try.
-
Going up into the mountains with only one or two companions may not seem
like a good way to stay alive...but it works.
-
Never get in a fight with anyone dressed in white, even if he is evil. It
is way too much for you to handle.
-
Previous statement stands for women dressed in white too.
-
Do not blow the cool looking horn you recently picked up. I mean it. It
MAY just be a nice pretty-sounding hunting horn, but the odds are it is
not.
-
Avoid creepy shadowy horsemen. Don't ask why. Trust me.
-
Now is not a good time to decide you are into ecology and want to save
the wolves.
-
Do not be musical. All the best singers die.
-
Be on the side of good. They will win, and while there is a small chance
they will spare you if you are on the wrong side, take careful note of
number 3. This does not apply if one of your parents is a god.
-
Do not mistake the dagger in Rakoth Maugrim's hand for a sign that he is
happy to see you.
-
Do not accept any challenges to single combat unless you are a dwarf. You may be good, but the other guy is also good, and he's a lot bigger than you.
-
Never agree to be part of a medium sized party escorting someone from
another world, unless Diarmuid is with you. Otherwise, you are doomed.
-
Do not under any circumstances be within twenty miles of the princess of
Cathal when she is pissed off.
-
Be aware that avoiding her in this matter will not do any good. She's
disguised as one of the soldiers and is waiting for a chance to stab you.
-
Not only can svart alfar kill people, there is a fairly good chance they
might kill you no matter how puny they are if you do not abide by rule 2.
Note: The Hitchhiker's Guide does not claim that by following these guidelines you can ensure that no harm befalls you or even your survival. They will however improve your chances.
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